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Submitted on
January 1, 2013
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Sta.sh Writer
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Breaking up,
Making up,
Making out in the rain
Outside, where it's more dramatic
(Of course, 
You're in pain)

How exciting and memorable,
So perfectly effable,
Except that it is
Just a bit--
A bit inevitable

This sap,
All our love,
Once sweet,
Is made so bland
Sickening beats 
Overused,
Done over again

Scream aloud now
With all your mind and soul,
State your intentions,
Do leave in your goals

The audience is waiting,
Eyes on the floor--
Do them a favor,
Put on a good show

Overdone lyrics 
A dull drone in my head
Once more the main subject, 
Love's here till the end

Sideways on a table,
Outside in the rain,
Making out,
Making up,
Then breaking up again
I wouldn't say all songs are about mushy gooey relationship problems, non-problems, feelings, etc., but a vast majority of them are. I am so sick of it.
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:iconpoeticperfectionist:
poeticperfectionist Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013   Writer
Alright, prepare for a wordy critique! I like the last stanza better than the first, probably because of the use of second person. I think it's a powerful tool that should only be used on the rare occasion, because it can attack the reader (especially when you say you're in pain). Yes, people will know the you is someone else, but subconsciously it will feel like them.

After that like that you keep your rhythm and rhyme, it's hard to master those two beats. Some of your word are unnecessary so I think you could edit this until every word is effective and powerful.

(Examples: You don't need to say "Done over again" after "overused". Also you don't need to say "outside" when you say you're "in the rain" it's generally assumed you're outside)

Lastly I would say expand your vocabulary. We hear the word good very often, if you're going to use a simple adjective like that I'd say it's worth getting out your thesaurus. Or you could try saying "Put on a show, make them beg for more, encore, encore".

I love the lines "sickening beats" and "So perfectly effable". It's a really solid beginning and I could see it improving and knocking my socks off. Great work, I hope to see your writing again as it grows and I hope you don't mind my suggestions, they're just suggestions, if you disagree with me that's perfectly acceptable and I encourage it! Have alovely day and don't stop writing! :D
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:iconinscynis:
inscynis Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes, that was a pretty long comment, but I really love how detailed it was! I definitely need to revise my writing after leaving it to fester for so many months. Thank you so much for your suggestions! c: 
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:iconpoeticperfectionist:
poeticperfectionist Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013   Writer
You're very welcome! Editing is my favourite thing ♥ Especially when you wait awhile because when you go back to get to re-appreciate the best parts of your poem :D
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:iconbookloverblue:
bookloverblue Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like the use of short, snappy sentences here - it creates an excellent sense of flow and rhythm, and adds to the sharp tone of the piece. As *Medoriko noted, this poem highlights that love isn't always the perfect ideal it's presented as being. 

The "circular" format (i.e. the repetition of elements from the first stanza in the last stanza) reinforces your idea of love "[ being] here 'til the end". I particularly liked the stanza about putting on a show, which suggests that there can be a false or performance element to love. 

Overall, a great piece.
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:iconinscynis:
inscynis Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahhhhhh thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! OvO
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:iconbookloverblue:
bookloverblue Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome.
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:iconmedoriko:
Medoriko Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013  Student Writer
I like this a lot. I love that you didn't write about the typical romance which IS gooey and sappy. It's refreshing to see something more sinister and realistic (in that not all romance is that way). It's very catchy and well worded. Very nice work. :)

Comment on behalf of :iconprojectcomment:
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:iconinscynis:
inscynis Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the detailed comment! :heart:
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:iconmedoriko:
Medoriko Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013  Student Writer
No problem :)
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:iconnottheotherme:
NotTheOtherMe Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Good work!
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